A shift in focus from fighting to healing

There are no complete mind or body solutions to spiritual problems

Many of you have reached out to inquire after my welfare due to a gap in posting, and I appreciate your concern. I have an unfinished article on my photo art from 14th January, but otherwise have had my attention anywhere but my laptop. There have been some large ups and downs, so I have decided to reconfigure my life, and take on some costly lessons. The picture above has my tiny London studio (V shape curtains in the middle) which I had retained (for legitimate reasons) despite living in the north of England. This was no longer serving me, so I let go of it this week, cutting ties with unhealthy people, places, and practices.

All I can do is tell my own story, and draw out the teachings of harsh experience. Throughout the last few months I have documented my battles with the UK authorities, such as Durham County Council as well as TV Licensing. Over New Year I spent time with old friends, as is the tradition, who are largely unawake — which imposes its own psychic toll. Coming into this year, I experienced an interruption to my “continuous church”, and a wobble in one of my key supports, and that sent me into a tailspin. One blowout and a recovery later, and I had time to think about where I am heading in life, and how I am relating to the world.

We have all been fighting on many fronts:

• To keep up the pretence of participation in worldly stuff like doing taxes, licenses, and registrations.

• To reconfigure our lives so that we don't put ourselves in the path of religious authorities pushing enemy messages, and build our own churches with truer faith.

• To confront debt, addictions, profligacies and any other way we have tried to cope that isn't righteous.

• To maintain an income in a world that wants you to compromise yourself in most positions and professions.

• To navigate the complexity of friends and families who are brainwashed and act against their own interests and reject those who try to return them to sanity.

• To stay healthy and well when we are being poisoned physically and mentally.

• To spread the word of truth and stand for our convictions and principles when pushed to make a deal with the Devil.

• To support others around us who are being persecuted or suffering due to holding the line on their righteous beliefs.

• To watch those who took the death jab suffer while denying their own agency, yet not allow this to destroy us.

We “get” the cruelty of men and horses being blown to bits in WW1 and the disgusting nature of chemical warfare. We comprehend the awfulness of the Nazis and Maoism. These are now part of our culture and history. Yet the literal clinical way of killing children in front of your eyes with the complicity of family and trusted authorities is in many ways even more barbaric. It appears to be normal, and even acting in the interests of the child as a caring adult. It feels like it should be called “surrealist warfare”, rather than the banal “fifth-generation warfare”. Every sense of what is real and right is upended.

I am wondering if this silent and invisible war will result in a whole new class of wounds. One of the toughest parts of this war has been to admit to myself that I am struggling with genuine trauma injuries. In a pew-pew conflict we understand that the banging door back home triggers psychological wounds, from bombs dropped far away years earlier. Information warfare is done at a micro level, like a million small paper cuts, that eventually draw blood. I haven't yet had the inner strength to open any of the envelopes waiting for me after a month away; authority is too toxic right now. Focusing on basic professional tasks like admin, marketing, and email is an uphill battle, and I can only manage brief stints.

I am beginning to see how any engagement with those corrupt authorities and compromised courts at best leads to a pyrrhic victory. They want to draw you into their system and drain your life force. I haven’t yet even had the energy to log into the court service to see if TV Licensing have responded to my case. I don’t owe them anything, there is no risk to me, just I am getting ill from being near any of these disgustingly unethical entities. Everyone associated with the genocide brings distress. The danger is that turning into disempowerment and demoralisation in a war of attrition. After all, this is the Communist method to break and subjugate you.

The temptation is to seek mind and body solutions to the existential pain, and the world offers plenty of them: sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, hoarding, overeating, etc. are the widespread “disapproved” instant relief solutions. Religion is a common “approved” recourse, seen as a legalistic following of doctrines and worship of the institution itself, but we have seen how that leads many astray. There are equivalent “approved” secular ways of dulling the discomfort of being in the world, such as psychotherapy, psychiatric medications, activism, meditation, and counselling. While these may help you to make a kind of peace with what is, they ultimately keep you stuck.

Nobody whose income is dependent on the problem lasting will ever encourage you to “look up” for a permanent resolution, not least because it is an individual choice. For me personally, the pain is particularly acute as an “autist” — with probably undiagnosed Aspergers. The lack of reconciliation in the world is pure torture. I can easily see many of the lies, and effortlessly spot patterns that others miss; it’s just how I am, not a boast. Watching those around you destroy themselves and their offspring based on obvious trickery is agony. My work helps others by giving them the essential clarity they need in an eloquent form, but demands that I constantly immerse myself into a nightmare narrative landscape that traumatises me.

I am belatedly accepting that my foundational issues are spiritual in nature, and so must the trauma healing be led by the spirit. The holy spirit is (by construction) that which reconciles everything; something bigger than us. This is the only sustainable peace on offer — being not only in the world (having rationality), but also not being of the world (having righteousness). Without this ongoing sense of divine providence at work, being present to the horror we are immersed in is unbearable. That will always lead to a desire for escape via the “disapproved” or “approved” worldly “answers” to a lack of the sense of the sacred. Let’s just say that I have applied my “achiever maximiser” personality type to both lists, and leave it at that. It doesn’t give lasting peace, only fake or temporary relief.

We like to maintain a facade of “doing alright and coping OK”, but the last few months have been hard going. I have been caught in a loop of crashing and burning down south, then being bored and lonely up north. It is time to face up to the foundational issue, which has roots in how my parents were misaligned. My mother was (and still is) in a cult, and my father was “spiritually cuckolded” by my uncle. As the firstborn, this made all divinity matters unspeakable. I adapted by seeking meaning and approval via intellectual and sporting excellence. The search for mind and body resolution to this spiritual deficit has been the animating force of my life so far.

I don’t want to deny the value or power of seeking reconciliation in the world. It just has to have the reference point of a moral code that is bigger than us, and represents the accreted wisdom of more than a single human life. So it doesn’t mean you need to immediately cancel your therapy sessions, stop taking those medications, or abandon your protests to temporal authorities. Rather, it means that each of those worldly activities has to either align to the holy (and therefore reconcile in totality), or you have to reject the worldly way (and stand apart and be willing to experience persecution). We have to pick which master to ultimately serve, as all paths lead to death or life.

For every secular therapist there must be an equal and potentially opposite sacred church — and vice versa, perhaps. We must also beware of those who would have us become “neither in the world not of the world” and retreat to a monastery, or adopt a monkish lifestyle. That is to deny our gift of a body and the value of pleasure it gives, or the joy of filling our mind with everyday knowledge. Worldly wisdom is just that: it may be used for benevolent or wicked ends, just like any technical tool. Psychology and psychologists can heal or harm. The problem is that any secular humanist moral framework will ignore the scale and power of “the opponent” in the world, as well the greater one of any Creator, Source, or Absolute.

Genocide brings into stark relief the horrendous cost of trying to make peace with evil, and going along to get along. The priests, doctors, and teachers who “took the jab” have revealed themselves as being fundamentally and dangerously unwise. It behooves each of us to recognise that we (individually and collectively) have been following moral codes that lead to death and destruction. Watching the Pfizer mRNA R&D director on Project Veritas blithely boast about doing illegal bioweapon research for the benefit of the corporation — at a cost to society — is the despicable end game of the absence of conscience and arrogance of the entitled. I don’t want to be associated with such nihilistic moral values in any way whatsoever, which means cleaning up my own life too.

Where things really went wrong for me was when I denied myself any compassion, forgiveness, grace, hope, or mercy. I felt absolutely trapped by crises of duality, going around the same dysfunctional loops over and over. I am learning a new skill, which is to remain centred on my own divine nature of infinite worth, while also accepting my fallen temporal nature. As I went on one inadvisable adventure I passed Tower Hill tube station late at night, and a preacher was saying how we are all prone to sin. I don’t buy the “original sin” guilt trip, but his words felt like more than a coincidence, and are impossible to forget or ignore. The only way out of the endless is to accept the holy spirit into your heart and life. There has to be a reference point of peace and reconciliation, and this is it.

The last five years of war have been about fighting on each day, and being a beacon of encouragement to others. A little late in the day, I am realising that I have a new and different mission, which is to model the healing process. I was on stage with Mark Attwood in Buxton earlier this week, and we have loosely comparable working class backgrounds, propensities for full-on engagement with life, professional accomplishments, world travels, family struggles, war wounds, artistic outlooks, and callings as “conspiracy theorists”. It feels very strange for both of us to be on stage using words like “Biblical”, “faith”, and “demonic”, but here we are. There comes a point when — in order to heal ourselves — the only way left or right is up.

Goodbye to Cable Street Studios in Limehouse, and thanks for the refuge for misfits.